The Gay Guy’s Guide to Bi Guys

This month we’re talking about bisexual men. I’m not bi, but, I’m not a “gold star” (a gay man who has never slept with a woman) either. Many gay men use that term as a badge of honour. I think it’s offensive.

There is a common misperception that there are more bisexual women than men. Likely because in our male dominated culture it’s considered more acceptable. We seem to want men to be absolute, you either like men, or women. If you can’t decide you appear weak. Men aren’t supposed to be flexible.

Connecting sexually with another man is taboo. It is seen as un-masculine. As well, many people even within our community, believe that male bisexuality doesn’t exist. Bi guys are not just gay guys who are afraid to come out. There was a time that it was safer to call yourself bi. Some gay men chose to come out that way instead. It’s not the case any more. In many ways it’s easier to be gay than bi now. If someone tells you they’re bi accept it.

Bisexual men face the same lack of representation that gay men did  not that  long ago. In the media most “bisexuals” are straight women who are just experimenting. That isolates young bi guys who are trying to find their way. The bi struggle is our struggle. They face the same haters we do.

Bisexuals of both genders also face discrimination from within our community. It is a shameful reminder of how quickly we’ve forgotten our own marginalization. Recently only 2 in 65 people surveyed within our community identified as bisexual men. The real number is much higher.

Let’s deal with some common myths about or bi brothers.

Bisexual men are not more promiscuous than most people, and certainly not more than gay men.

Bisexual men do not need to connect with both genders in order to be satisfied sexually. Think of it like a gay man who is attracted to guys of different races.

A bi identified guy is just as capable of having a monogamous relationship as anyone else.

If you’re in an open relationship with a bi guy he will likely sleep with women, and other men.

The only reason you worry about him leaving you for a woman is your own insecurity.

Bisexual men don’t have a set attraction rate like 60% men and 40% women. Attraction dynamics aren’t that simple.

Just like you don’t find every man attractive, he won’t find every person appealing.

Bisexual guys are men just like us. Their sexuality is only part of the picture. If you find a man attractive, you enjoy his company, and you think you want more of it, why would reject him just because he also likes women? You could miss an opportunity to meet the guy you’ve been looking for.





2 Responses

  1. David R

    My experience shows me that “bi” men always end up choosing a woman over a man. They tend to treat their male/male relationships as secondary and fight any emotional connection with another man, reserving that for their relationships to women only. In fact, I’ve found “bi” men treat gay men horrendously in the long run, often playing with the gay man’s emotions. I very strongly disagree with your premise. Having sex doesn’t define any relationship alone.

  2. Brian

    I have had a very different experience. Yes, I have had the heartbreak of being left for a woman, but I am married to a bisexual man, and my last partner is pansexual. I think in my generation (I’m 55) it was more common for men to make the “easier” choice. It is different now. There are also probably many bi guys in relationships with men who don’t come out as bi to gay men. It is about much more than sex.