There’s So Much to Figure Out. The internal Challenges of Gay Open Relationships.

 After a lot of years of struggling with desire, and monogamy, I finally faced my truth a few years ago. I am polyamorous. Because people use the word in so many ways I’ll define what it means to me then look at my struggles to define gay open relationships.

What is a gay open relationship?

When we talk about being in a gay open relationship we’re really talking about being polyamorous. There seem to be as many definitions of poly as there are people. It’ll be several generations before language catches up to describe the nuances. From my perspective, it’s quite simple. I am able to romantically love more than one person at a time. That’s it. It doesn’t sound earth-shattering, does it? It didn’t seem like that big a deal to me at first. When I decided to do something about it things got complicated.

First figure out what you're looking for in an open relationship.

Within the context of my honestly open gay relationship, I realized I wasn’t looking for fun or a fuck buddy. I was looking for a boyfriend. Not a new husband, or a third, a separate relationship altogether. Something to complement my primary relationship. with a man who wanted what I have to offer.

I’m far more choosy about the men I get seriously involved with than I would have imagined. After a couple of years, I started to meet people. I didn’t want to rush into anything until I really knew what I was looking for. I met some great guys who weren’t quite right.

I knew I had to relax and stop pushing. I allowed myself to be more open to whoever showed up. After a few more months of chatting with guys on apps I found someone interesting. He was absolutely not what I thought I was looking for. He was too young, not really out, and lived in another country. But, something in me said “Yes”.

Be ready to deal with your stuff.

We chatted for a couple of months then decided to meet. We wanted to connect before the holidays so we set a date in mid-December. Our first meeting was magical, comfortable, and powerfully connected. We started seeing each other when we could and the relationship developed. Then my stuff came up. Part of me believed that the intense feelings I was having for my new guy meant that my primary relationship was over.

I did a lot of work with my coach to unpack it all. One belief was that monogamy is a superior choice, which was not what I consciously felt. 

Be prepared to deal with intense emotions.

Another thing to be dealt with were the intense emotions I was experiencing Part of me thought they meant I could only be happy settling down with this new guy. Of course, in the throes of New Relationship Energy I thought he was perfect, and the perfect mate.

Then COVID hit. We’d been separated by a closed border for 5 months when I wrote this.

 My mind started playing a new set of games. Thinking I should use the time to hedge my bets and find another guy in case things didn’t work out. I explored a bit but quickly discovered that he, and my husband, are the only ones I’m interested in.

The trickiest part of it is being in love. It’s obvious to anyone, including my husband,  that I am. There have been discussions with our couple’s coach about it. A safe space to discuss the feelings I was having, and how they impacted my primary relationship, was crucial.

Embrace what a gay open relationship means to you

I’m sure the journey will hold more surprises when my lover and I can finally see each other again. We’ve grown closer despite the separation. It’s amazing that we’ve held it together this long. I think, and hope, when we start fresh it will re-ignite the beautiful energy between us. Then I can truly experience what it is to have two loves of my life.

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