You’ve explored your relationship values and you and your guy are a great fit. There’s one more thing to consider, do you want a gay monogamous relationship, or not. Lots of guys assume that their partner must want what they do if they’ve come this far. That isn’t necessarily true.
It's Not About Love
Differences in relationship style don’t mean that you don’t love each other, or that you’re not compatible. But, if the gap is big enough, and you can’t find a way to bridge it, you’re headed for trouble.
How open you want your relationship to be? There is a vast continuum of styles with monogamy on one end, and open polyamory on the other. As with most values there’s an added complication. Sometimes one word doesn’t mean the same thing to two people.
What do you want, and how do you feel about it?
It’s possible that you have internal conflicts around relationship style. I had to do a lot of work on mine. Many of us have conflicts between monogamy and freedom, or similar values. You and your man may face a similar issue.
Start by figuring out where you stand on the topic. Think deeply about the kind of relationship you want. Be on the lookout for any internal resistance. It’s important to work though your conflicts before talking to your significant other. If you’d like help with that, reach out. There’s a lot we can do to get things sorted out for you.
Look at Your Own Challenges First
My biggest conflict is between my desire to have an open relationship and my jealousy. Insecurity still rears its ugly head in my life from time to time. The way I deal with it is to recognize it and work through my feelings. Lashing out at the person who’s made you jealous will just make the situation worse.
If you have a challenge with conflicting needs, own it, and deal with it. Never make your personal issues part of your relationship. Relationships bring up enough of our stuff as it is.
Have the Difficult Conversation
If you’ve done your work, and sorted through your issues, then you’re ready to ask your man where he stands. Be direct. Acknowledge that you’re about to take a huge step together. Then ask him what he wants the relationship to look like.
He may want you to share first. That’s fine. Just make sure he understands that you want to know how he really feels. Give him space to go figure it out if he needs it. We want him as certain as you are.
Don't be Afraid to Disagree
Don’t panic if you disagree at first. There may be some room to find common ground. I tend to like a period in a monogamous gay relationship before opening things up.
Totally open and honest is always the end goal for me. But, I recognize my insecurity and my need to form a solid base before I move into something more fluid. It’s easier for me to deal with my emotions if there’s some time to develop trust and open communication.
Sometimes compromise isn’t possible. If you need traditional monogamy and he needs the freedom to play, you may not find a solution. His needs will get satisfied eventually, breaking your agreement. “Don’t ask, don’t tell” doesn’t work. It’s a recipe for a nasty break up.
Long-Term Happiness for Both of You
If you’re looking to succeed in the long term you both need to be happy with how the relationship will work. Things can change over time, but they may not. You should both be asking yourselves if you can be happy with what the other needs. If not better to end it now. Open, honest, communication is the only path to a worthwhile relationship.