So You Want a Man in Your Life. But, Who is that Man?

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This month we’re continuing our conversation about relationships. Now that we’ve explored what you’re actually looking for it’s time to look at who. I’d like you to let go of the obvious for the moment. Don’t get overly concerned at this point about looks, age, race, and other physical characteristics. The chemistry between two men usually takes care of those things. I’m not saying they aren’t important, they certainly are. But, with one value like physical attraction, or sexual chemistry, you have it covered.

I’d also like you to let go of your sexual preferences. Again, not because they aren’t important but because compatibility is easily covered when we make sure chemistry is part of our values. You obviously need mutual fulfillment. But, whatever your sexual needs are, getting them met isn’t enough. We’re not talking about a great hookup here. We’re looking for a great relationship.

With physical compatibility covered the most important thing to think about is what you want your man to be like. Do you need him to be strong and protective? Does he need to make you laugh? Do you want someone to go on adventures with, and what kind? We’re looking at the qualities and interests that your perfect man has. We’re interested in you being a good fit for each other.

It’s also important to take a good look at yourself. What kind of guy are you? What are your interests? How do you imagine yourself being in a relationship? Then really think about what kind of guy would be compatible with you. Another reason that we don’t want to emphasize sexual compatibility too much is because it isn’t a guarantee that you’ll even like each other, never mind find true and lasting love.

So how do you find a guy that’s a perfect fit? If you read my post from last month you’ve probably guessed. It’s all about values. This time, shared values. In other words you need to want similar things, and have a similar sense of what’s important in order to create a successful partnership.
It’s critical to remember that our values come from many places. Our families, our peers, our religion, as well as our adult experiences. The good, and bad, of the relationships we’ve been in can also influence our values. The best way to find someone who has similar values is to know your own. That way you can be on the lookout for similarities in what he wants.

Really exploring values is part of the six month process I bring clients through. But, just being aware of what’s most important to you can start to build clarity. Just ask yourself a simple question: “What is important to me about …” Feel free to use the word that means most to you, a man, a partner, or a husband. How you describe him is up to you. Asking the question in your own words is the most powerful way to go about it. Write down the first response that comes to mind and then keep asking the question.

At some point there will be a natural pause as you run out of the obvious things. Dig a little deeper to find more. Keep at it until some of the more unconscious values come to the surface. Then keep at it until the words start to repeat or your list is at least twelve words long.

The list in front of you is what you’re really looking for in a guy. Take a look at it and see how you feel about what you’ve written. How do you feel about the man they’re describing? No doubt some of them will make sense. Others may be surprising. Regardless these are the qualities you should be looking for when you start meeting people. Next month we’ll look at how to put yourself out there so you can actually start meeting potential mates.

If you want to kickstart your search and explore how coaching can help you find Mr. Right. then sign up for your free Relationship Discovery Session here: