So You Want a Relationship. But, What Do You Really Want?

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This month we’re starting a conversation about relationships. It’s one of the most common things men come to me for help with. There are a few things that you ought to have in place before you even start looking. The first one is what exactly what it is that you’re looking for. Most guys don’t have clue.

“I want a man”, “I want a husband”, “I just want to be in a relationship”, are what I hear when I first start the discussion. It sounds like they know what they want. But, what do they really mean?

It’s very important to understand what you’re looking for in a relationship. What needs do you want it to fulfill? What are you bringing to the table? There are a lot of things to consider. Let’s take a look at what’s most important.

What is it that you think this relationship is going to provide. Is it about companionship, comfort, mutual support? Relationships can provide all of those things. But, in order for that to happen you need deep compatibility. That should be the first thing you look for.

How do you find it? Compatibility is all about values, the things that are most important to us. By far the deepest work that I do with clients is on their values. We learn what’s important to us from a lot of sources. Our families, our peers, our religion, as well as our adult experiences. The good, and bad, of the relationships we’ve been in can also influence our values. So many sources can create values conflicts, that familiar push/pull feeling. You think you want something, but maybe you don’t.

Digging into values is part of the six month process I bring clients through. But, just being aware of them can start to get you some clarity. All you have to do t is ask yourself a simple question: “What is important to me about …” Feel free to use the phrase that means most to you, a relationship, a partnership, or a marriage. How you describe the relationship is up to you. Asking the question in your own words is the important part. Then write down the first response that comes to mind and keep asking the question.

At some point there is almost always a natural pause. You run out of things at the top of your mind. Dig a little deeper to find more. Keep at it until some of the more unconscious, often more important, values come to mind. Keep the process going until the words start to repeat or your list is twelve words or more.

The list in front of you is what you really think is important. Take a look at it and see how you feel about the words you’ve written. No doubt some of them will make sense. Others may be surprising. Regardless these are the things you should be looking for when considering the kind of relationship you want to be in. Next month we’ll look at the next most important factor, that’s what kind of guy are you looking for.

If you want to kick start your search and really understand how coaching can help you find Mr. Right. then sign up for your free Relationship Discover Session here: