Last month we talked about how to know when it’s time to make the commitment to start dating your man more seriously. For this month’s post we’re going to look at how to figure out if you’re ready to take the next step. Yes, it’s a big one.
You’re in the honeymoon phase. It sounds idyllic. In many ways it is. This is also the time when the relationship gets real. Once New Relationship Energy mellows you start to see the real man you’re dating. This is when you’ll likely have your first fight. You’ll also start to have some indications of what he’s looking for in the long term. The most important thing to understand is your shared values.
Values are simply things that are important to you. By now you know your guy meets the criteria for what kind of person you want to get serious with. If you’re not sure yet, wait. There’s no point going further down the road with him until you’re certain of that. It’s your values around relationships that need to come to the forefront now.
Figuring out your values is simple. You want to understand yours before you start trying to understand his. To figure your values out, take some quiet time and ask yourself what’s important to you about a long term relationship, or marriage, or whatever you might want to call it. Write down everything that comes to mind. At some point there is usually a pause. Keep asking yourself the question and see if you can find a few deeper values. You’ll know you’re done when the values start repeating.
Take a look at your list. Make sure the words are concepts. They shouldn’t be concrete. Spend some time with the list. It’s telling you the kind of relationship you really want. Consider what you’ve written and think about what it means to you.
Many of us have communication as a relationship value. But does that mean you want five text messages a day or a call a week in order to feel like you’re getting enough. Most of your values will be like that. The reason it’s so important to understand what you mean is because even if you and your man share a value, the word may not mean the same thing to both of you. Once you have a good sense of where you’re at it’s time to look for his.
If you have that kind of relationship, ask him to do the same exercise and then have a discussion about it. Relationships like that aren’t common. Most of the time you’re going to have to listen for his values when he’s talking to you. If he happens to be talking about previous relationships, listen up. He’ll likely tell you exactly what was working and what wasn’t
Let’s use communication as an example. If he were to say something like “My ex was a really poor communicator”, or “My ex drove me crazy texting me all day.” you have an opportunity to clarify what he means. Once you understand you can check in and see how it compares to yours.
Just because it’s different doesn’t mean it’s time to give up. You’re going to have differences. But, if he needs minimal interaction during his work day and you like hourly texts you might be headed for trouble. If there is a difference that might be a deal breaker it’s worth talking about it. There may be a happy compromise, but if not, he may not be the right guy for you.
Last month we talked about how to know when it’s time to make the commitment to start dating your man more seriously. For this month’s post we’re going to look at how to figure out if you’re ready to take the next step. Yes, it’s a big one.
You’re in the honeymoon phase. It sounds idyllic. In many ways it is. This is also the time when the relationship gets real. Once New Relationship Energy mellows you start to see the real man you’re dating. This is when you’ll likely have your first fight. You’ll also start to have some indications of what he’s looking for in the long term. The most important thing to understand is your shared values.
Values are simply things that are important to you. By now you know your guy meets the criteria for what kind of person you want to get serious with. If you’re not sure yet, wait. There’s no point going further down the road with him until you’re certain of that. It’s your values around relationships that need to come to the forefront now.
Figuring out your values is simple. You want to understand yours before you start trying to understand his. To figure your values out, take some quiet time and ask yourself what’s important to you about a long term relationship, or marriage, or whatever you might want to call it. Write down everything that comes to mind. At some point there is usually a pause. Keep asking yourself the question and see if you can find a few deeper values. You’ll know you’re done when the values start repeating.
Take a look at your list. Make sure the words are concepts. They shouldn’t be concrete. Spend some time with the list. It’s telling you the kind of relationship you really want. Consider what you’ve written and think about what it means to you.
Many of us have communication as a relationship value. But does that mean you want five text messages a day or a call a week in order to feel like you’re getting enough. Most of your values will be like that. The reason it’s so important to understand what you mean is because even if you and your man share a value, the word may not mean the same thing to both of you. Once you have a good sense of where you’re at it’s time to look for his.
If you have that kind of relationship, ask him to do the same exercise and then have a discussion about it. Relationships like that aren’t common. Most of the time you’re going to have to listen for his values when he’s talking to you. If he happens to be talking about previous relationships, listen up. He’ll likely tell you exactly what was working and what wasn’t
Let’s use communication as an example. If he were to say something like “My ex was a really poor communicator”, or “My ex drove me crazy texting me all day.” you have an opportunity to clarify what he means. Once you understand you can check in and see how it compares to yours.
Just because it’s different doesn’t mean it’s time to give up. You’re going to have differences. But, if he needs minimal interaction during his work day and you like hourly texts you might be headed for trouble. If there is a difference that might be a deal breaker it’s worth talking about it. There may be a happy compromise, but if not, he may not be the right guy for you.
If you discover that there are too many differences for you to feel comfortable continuing with the relationship it’s better to end it. There’s no point pretending you’re compatible. However, if you can see the match working with a little effort then communicate your needs.
If he feels like a fit and you’re both ready it’s time to make a serious commitment. Nothing is ever going to be perfect. You’ll have conflict and challenges. But, if your values are aligned then you’re chances of success are higher. If it’s time, go for it, jump in and go for the ride. Let your common values hold you together while your differences keep things interesting.
you discover that there are too many differences for you to feel comfortable continuing with the relationship it’s better to end it. There’s no point pretending you’re compatible. However, if you can see the match working with a little effort then communicate your needs.
If he feels like a fit and you’re both ready it’s time to make a serious commitment. Nothing is ever going to be perfect. You’ll have conflict and challenges. But, if your values are aligned then you’re chances of success are higher. If it’s time, go for it, jump in and go for the ride. Let your common values hold you together while your differences keep things interesting.