To Top, or to Bottom

I thought it would be fun to explore an idea I personally hope is going to become obsolete. It’s the concept of top and bottom. For the record I’m versatile. Not V/T or V/B actually versatile. But, I wasn’t always.

I’m comfortable with people defining themselves as they see fit, if they do it for the right reasons. Some people simply prefer certain sexual positions. It’s only an issue when his reasons are based on stereotypes, or an unhealthy self-image.

When I came out it felt like we had to choose. We defined  ourselves by dominant and submissive roles. If you were the “girl” you were the bottom, if you were the “boy” you topped. For the first time I was safe expressing my more feminine characteristics. I decided to bottom exclusively. I never disliked topping, but, a choice had to be made.

As the years progressed I slowly began to feel limited by my self-expression and flipped the coin. I worked out a lot. Put significant muscle on. Adopted a much more masculine style. I still clung to the bottom label very determinedly though. That was who I was. A small, scrappy, pit bull who happened to be a total bottom. Then I met  a man we’ll call G. We were together for 9 years. We brought a lot of things into each other’s lives. One of the greatest gifts he gave me is a much deeper, more honest, understanding of my own sexuality.

We had been together for about 6 months. It was Pride, one of the best times to be had in our home city of Toronto. After a day of festivities we went home for a play break and he asked me if he would ever get my dick up his ass. To my surprise I said:  “Of course, whenever you want”.

We went from there. The more we explored the more I realized that my sexuality is tied, almost completely, to the energy between me and the other guy.

Sometimes I meet someone and know immediately what my body wants to do with them in bed. At others it takes some time for the energy to become evident. Sometimes I want to bottom, others to top, and most often want to flip around and do what feels best in the moment.

There have been some studies around these roles and nothing very conclusive has come out of them. Some folks have suggested that there may be biological reasons for a preference of top, or bottom, but there, at least so far, has been no evidence to support it.

It seems that later generations are dispensing with the idea. They prefer to be more fluid with their sexuality than we were. Perhaps they realize that there is no need for gender stereotyping when it comes to play. Whatever the case, I encourage you to push out of your comfort zones. Do some exploring. See what a more open exploration of your sexuality might bring you.